A blog about advertising, copywriting, creativity &c.
8 drugs that would mess you up worse than Tylenol
Advertising IRL

8 drugs that would mess you up worse than Tylenol

Advertising IRL

So, before we get started: Tylenol doesn’t cause autism.

(Neither does assedyo-aseddum-menofen-acetaminophen.)

Seriously, it’s fine. No studies have shown a causal relationship between acetaminophen and autism. Follow your doctor’s recommendation. I mean, my mom took Tylenol when she was pregnant with me, and I turned out… Okay, bad example.

But sure, it’s good to pay attention to the things we put in our bodies. So if you do want to avoid the poisons Big NotDyingFromPreventableDiseases is trying to pump into our children, here are eight classic remedies that aren’t going to turn you into a lizard person.

For obesity (and depression): Amphetamines

Methedrine brand methamphetamine promises to combat obesity both for those who eat too much and those who are depressed, dispelling “abnormal” craving for food and “subtly” elevating the mood, which… yes, I’m sure it would.

A very old ad, in black and white on a yellowed background. It shows a dark-haired woman in a white blouse, belted gray skirt, and sensible black pumps, hands clasped, with a big smile. To the right of her are the words, “Keep the ‘reducer’ happy,” Across the middle of the page, on top of her image, in large, black letters, are the words, “‘Methedrine’ for Obesity.” Below that, in smaller text, are the words, “For those who eat too much. For those who are depressed. ‘Methedrine’ dispels abnormal craving for food, subtly elevates the mood. ‘Methedrine’ brand Methamphetamine Hydrochloride Tablets 5mp, scored.” And at the bottom, in very small text, “Burroughs Wellcome & Co, (U.S.A.) Inc., Tuckahoe, New York”

But do you think we’re gatekeeping amphetamines for overweight adults, like hell we will. They’re also safe for kids — if your tot has a head cold, Benzedrine has your back.

A very old ad with a green background shows a circular black-and-white image of a young, smiling child with a tube up to her nose. Around the picture is a circle reading, “Safe for children and adults,” The headline in red text reads, “‘Benzedrine Inhaler’,” and under it is smaller text reading, “The simplest & most effective treatment for head colds and nasal catarrh.” At the bottom, in red letters on a black stripe, are the words, “Convenient to carry, easy to use,” Followed by the image of a silver Benzedrine inhaler and a few accessories I can’t identify.

For asthma and diseases of the throat: Cigarettes

The use of cigarettes to treat asthma, bad breath, all diseases of the throat, and bronchial irritations might sound ironic, but at least it’s not recommended for children under 6. I suppose they think it’s dangerous or something.

A very, very old ad, against a an old and yellowed background, showing a black-and-white illustrated bust of a dark-haired man with a serious mustache, wearing a dark suit. Above the image are the words, “Dr. Batty’s.” Below it, in an assortment of old-timey fonts, is the text, “For your health. Asthma Cigarettes. Since 1882. For the temporary relief of paroxysms of asthma. Effectively treats: Asthma, hay fever, foul breath, all diseases of the throat, head colds, canker sours, bronchial irritations. Not Recommended for Children under 6.”

The secret, of course, is to choose the cigarette brand doctors recommend.

A classic ad for Camel cigarettes, showing a man in a lab coat sitting at a desk with a pack of cigarettes, holding one like he’s smoking it and looking at the camera. Next to him, in large black text accented in red, is the headline, “More Doctors Smoke Camels than any other cigarette!” Below that, in small text, are the words, “Doctors in every brand of medicine were asked, ‘What cigarette do you smoke?’ The brand named most was Camel! You’ll enjoy Camels for the same reason so many doctors enjoy them. Camels have cool, cool mildness, pack after pack, and a flavor unmatched by any other cigarette. Make this sensible test: Smoke only Camels for 30 days and see how well Camels please your taste, how well they suit your throat as your steady smoke. You’ll see how enjoyable a cigarette can be!” In the lower left, below a subhead reading, “The Doctors’ Choice Is America’s Choice!” are three black-and-white headshots with text underneath. First is a dark-haired woman in a black top and black gloves, holding up a cigarette. The text says, “Maureen O’Hara says: ‘I pick Camels. They agree with my throat and taste wonderful!.” Next is a smiling man in a gray suit, holding a cigarette. The text says, “Dick Haynes states: ‘I get more pleasure from Camels than from any other brand!’” Third is a slightly creepy-looking guy with slick hair and a dark suit, with a cigarette in his mouth. The text says, “Ralph Bellamy reports: ‘Camels suit my taste and throat. I’ve smoked ‘em for years!’” Superimposed on top of it all is a Camel box with several cigarettes sticking out, and an image of a curly-haired woman holding a cigarette with the letter “T” over her lower face and neck. And at the bottom of the ad, running across its full width, are the words, “For 30 days, test Camels in your ’T-Zone’ (T for Throat, T for Taste).”

For toothaches (and despondency): Cocaine

Toothache? Cocaine drops! Work instantly (as you might imagine).

A very old, yellowed ad with an illustration all the way to the left of two children outside, building a small cabin out of sticks. They’re standing against a white fence with a house and trees visible on the other side. To the right of them are the words, in large, decorative text, “Cocaine Toothache Drops.” Below it, in smaller text, are the words, “Instantaneous Cure! Price 15 Cents. Prepared by the Lloyd Manufacturing Co. 2019 Hudson Ave., Albany, N.Y. For sale by all Druggists. (Registered March 1885) See other side.”

And of course don’t forget coca wine, combining cocaine and wine (naturally), is a recommended treatment for neuralgia, sleeplessness, and “despondency,” which, I mean… yeah, probably.

A very, very old ad in black and white. It shows a spray of coca leaves on the stem. Most of the text is blurry and illegible, but we can read the headline, “For Fatigue of mind or body, Metcalf’s Coca Wine. A Pleasant Tonic and Invigorator.” In smaller letters in the upper left, we can read, “From fresh Coca Leaves and the Purest Wine. Recommended for Neuralgia, Sleeplessness, Despondency, etc.”

For coughs: Heroin

An aspirin a day is a classic recommendation for heart health. So why not go fully classic with a nice cocktail of aspirin and heroin? Bayer has the hookup.

A very, very old ad on a grayish background with beige trim. In old-timey decorative text, the ad reads, “Bayer Pharmaceutical Products. Manufacturers of Aspirin & Heroin, The Sedative for Coughs. Available from Farbenfabriken of Elberfeld Co., 40 Stone Street, New York”

For marital difficulties: Lysol in the… you know

Wait, you might be asking, isn’t Lysol a good thing? Isn’t disinfecting surfaces actually good for your health? It depends on which surfaces. Kitchen and bathroom counters?\ Absolutely. Betwixt your ladybits? Well, “gentle” Lysol promises you it “will not harm delicate tissue,” and apparently it’ll save your marriage, so no reason not to bleach the underplaces. You have appealing daintiness to assure, dammit.

A classic ad showing a dark-haired woman in a floral blouse and black skirt desperately tugging at the doorknob on a white door. Around her are large line drawings of padlocks with the words “Doubt,” “Inhibitions,” and “Ignorance.” Text above the image reads, “‘Please, Dave… Please don’t let me be locked out from you!’” Below the image, in black serif type, is the text: “Often a wife fails to realize that doubts due to one intimate neglect shut her out from happy married love. A man marries a woman because he loves her. So instead of blaming him if married love begins to cool, she should question herself. Is she truly trying to keep her husband and herself eager, happy married lovers? One most effective way to safeguard her dainty feminine allure is by practicing complete feminine hygiene as provided by vaginal douches with scientifically correct preparation like ‘Lysol.’ So easy a way to banish the misgivings that often keep married lovers apart. Germs destroyed swiftly. ‘Lysol’ has amazing, proved power to kill germ-life on contact… truly cleanses the vaginal canal even in the presence of mucous matter. Thus ‘Lysol’ acts in a way that makeshifts like soap, salt or soda never can. Appealing daintiness is assured, because the very source of objectionable odors is eliminated. Use whenever needed! Yet gentle, non-caustic ‘Lysol’ will not harm delicate tissues. Simple directions give correct douching solution. Many doctors advise their patients to douche regularly with ‘Lysol’ brand disinfectant, just to insure feminine daintiness alone, and to use as often as necessary. No greasy aftereffect. For feminine hygiene, three times more women use ‘Lysol’ than any other liquid preparation. No other is more reliable. You, too, can rely on ‘Lysol’ to help protect your married happiness… keep you desirable!” Below the text, at the left of the page, are the words, “For complete Feminine Hygiene rely on…’Lysol’ brand disinfectant. A Concentrated Germ-Killer,” next to an image of the glass bottle of Lysol. To the right of that is a mail-away coupon for a book of hygiene facts, with the text, “New!… Feminine Hygiene Facts. Free! New booklet of information by leading gynecological authority.”

Please, Dave!

For coughs and teething: Morphine

Coughs and throat problems? Children’s teething? Obviously, the answer is morphine.

A very, very old, colorful ad showing a red-haired mother in a white nightgown lying in a bed with a red bedspread and white sheets and pillows, with matching red bed curtains to either side. She has a dark-haired boy and a blonde girl on either side of her, smiling as she reads a newspaper. On the bedside table to our left are a small glass bottle of morphine. At the top left, in decorative text, are the words, “Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup.” On the newspaper are the words, “Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup for Children Teething,” with an image of the same bottle sitting on the bedside table. At the lower right of the ad are the words, “For Children Teething.”

For insomnia: Quaalude

No need to lie awake, no sleep-hangover the next day. Sleep quickly, wake up refreshed and ready to face the day.

With ‘ludes.

A classic ad for Quaalude-300, showing a family around the breakfast table — Mom all the way to the right, shot from behind and to the side, daughter in the middle in a blue floral top and unfortunate bangs, and Dad to the left in a blue button-down and dark trousers and hair balding in the front,, leaning with both hands on the table and smiling widely. The breakfast nook has yellow flowered wallpaper, and the table has breakfast on it — milk, orange juice, coffee cups, butter, and little syrup pitchers. Text to the left of the image reads, “A good morning after.a sleep-through night. That’s how a patient feels after a restful night’s sleep provided by Quaalude-300 (methaqualone). He wakes up alert and ready to face the demands of the day (Quaalude patients usually awaken easily and without evidence of “hangover”)… because he slept well all night (Quaalude usually helps produce 6 to 8 hours of restful sleep)… and he didn’t have to lie awake for a long period of time before he went to sleep (Quaalude can induce sleep in 10 to 30 minutes). Now the physician has one less tired, sleepy and apprehensive patient to contend with. Non-barbituate Quaalude-300 is chemically unrelated to other sedative-hypnotics. Its therapeutic value has been established in controlled clinical studies and by wide usage of methaqualone throughout the world. Side effects reported have been mild, transient, and have often proved to be statically insignificant when compared to placebo effects. (See brief summary on the last page of advertisement.) For these reasons, maybe the prescribing physician sleeps a little better, too.” And below that, in blue text, are the words, “A non-barbiturate Quaalude-300 (methaqualone).”

For dieting and energy: Sugar

A classic black-and-white ad with a photo at the top showing a dark-haired woman with some serious eyelashes going on, licking an ice-cream cone in a way that makes you uncomfortable. At the top of the image are the words, “Diet dodge.” Below the photo is the text, “ Enjoy an ice cream cone shortly before lunch. Sugar can be the willpower you need to undercut. When you’re hungry, it usually means your energy’s down. By eating something with sugar in it, you can get your energy up fast. In fact, sugar is the fastest energy food around. And when your energy’s up, there’s a good chance you’ll have the willpower to undereat at mealtime. How’s that for a sweet idea? Sugar… only 18 calories per teaspoon, and it’s all energy. At the bottom left are the image of a spoon with sugar in it and small text: “Sugar Information, General Post Office Box 94, New York, N.Y.10001”

This is the permission — nay, the instruction — you’ve been waiting for to “enjoy an ice cream cone shortly before lunch.” Sugar can “be the willpower you need to undereat.” And don’t forget to keep your kids juiced up, too — no reason to make them “pay for your weight problem.”

And start ‘em young. (With a little bonus mom guilt. Never goes out of style.)

A classic ad in black and white, showing a young girl in a headband and gingham dress, drinking a soda in a glass bottle through a straw. Above her are the words, “Are you making your children pay for your weight problem?” To her right are the words, “If you’re trying to lose weight by stocking the house with sugarless soft drinks, remember one thing. Your children will drink them too. Their thirst craves anything that’s cold and wet. But their bodies need much more. Energy. And that they’ll never get from an artificial sweetener. Now let’s get back to you, and that diet of yours. Unless you make a career out of drinking soft drinks, saving calories with synthetic pops is a little like trying to reduce by getting a haircut. Besides, you need sugar, too. Particularly when you’re dieting. Sugar in a soft drink does two things for you: 1) it satisfies those between-meal hunger pangs, and 2) it gives you the va-voom you need for all those exercises.” Below them are the words, “Sugar quenches fatigue. … 18 calories per teaspoon — and it’s all energy.” next to an image of a sugar bowl, full of sugar, with a spoon in it and the lid of the bowl sitting to the left. Below that is a black-framed box with this text: “Note to Mothers: Exhaustion may be dangerous — especially to children who haven’t learned to avoid it by pacing themselves. Exhaustion opens the door a little wider to the bugs and ailments that are always lying in wait. Sugar puts back energy fast — offsets exhaustion. Synthetic sweeteners put back nothing. Energy is the first requirement of life. Play safe with your young ones — make sure they get sugar every day.”

Sláinte.

Y’know, this post really has me thinking about my health, and how much more conscientious I should be about what I put in my body.

An old bar poster, on a white background with a black frame around the edges. It shows a glass of Guinness Stout beer, a dark beer with a white, foamy head. Above the glass, in large red type, are the words, “Guinness Is Good for You.” And below it, in black type, are the words, “Gives You Strength.”

There we go. It’s what the doctor ordered, and it’s five o’clock somewhere.

(Thanks to MSN, Pharmacy Techs, and Stanford for amassing terrible old ads.)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *