So, yet again, the Big Game has rolled around and you don’t have a Super Bowl spot.
Do you somehow think you’re alone in that? You’re not alone. Many of us — I daresay the vast majority of us — in the creative industry don’t have an ad in the Super Bowl this year, and even have never had one. Which is, like… whatever. Y’know?
Whatever, right? I’ve personally never claimed to want to have a Super Bowl spot, except on the very front page on my website where it’s made fairly clear that I’m salty about it. And that’s fine, right? Sure, it’s a fantasy of basically every young ad creative, if only for, like, ten seconds early in their career, but I’d certainly no longer be described as a young ad creative. (Let’s not kid ourselves.) And sure, one of my freelance clients has even had a Super Bowl spot that they didn’t bring me in on, but it’s, like, whatever.
Unfortunately — I mean, not unfortunately, it’s whatever — it’s basically a requirement in our industry to watch the year’s Super Bowl spots, even if we don’t even bother watching the actual game. But I’m here for you with the support you need to get through this difficult time.
I mean, not a difficult time. It’s whatever.
Your rooting interest
Because you’re watching the game for the game itself and totally not the ads, it’s important to approach your upcoming Super Bowl event (in-person or safely socially distanced) having chosen which team to root for. The Rams or the Bengals? Blue and gold or black and orange? As you’re making your choice, remember that almost no one looks good in black and orange or can spell “Cincinnati” on the first try, if that kind of thing matters to you.
Now, I’m far from one of those Too Cool For Sportsball types, but I grew up following the Washington Football Team (now the Commanders, which I’m fine with), and they haven’t set cleat to Super Bowl grass since I was in elementary school and the team had a super-racist name (which I’ve never been fine with and which ultimately curtailed my fandom more than their lack of Super Bowl rings ever could, so definitely welcome, Commanders), and neither of this year’s teams blows up my figurative skirt, so I’ll be rooting for Dr. Dre.
And what will have me sufficiently turnt to attempt inadvisable dance moves by halftime?
Your drink
(Must credit Caperton Gillett)
No need to approach this one sober. (Unless sober is your thing, in which case: This is just as tasty without the vodka in it.)
The Salty Bitch
- 1.5 oz. vodka
- 3 oz. grapefruit juice, freshly squeezed
- 3 oz. club soda with a squeeze of lime HAHAHA no seriously Sprite
- Garnish: coarse salt, lime wedge
1. Wet the rim of a highball glass and dip it in coarse salt.
2. Fill the glass with ice, then add the vodka, grapefruit juice, and Sprite and stir gently to combine.
3. Garnish with a lime wedge.
4. Drink in one gulp right there in your kitchen.
5. Mix another one to take into the living room or wherever you’re watching the game.
Your affirmation
Repeat after me:
I could have made any of these ads.
They aren’t that great anyway.
People who think these ads are good just aren’t as sophisticated as I am.
Super Bowl ad spots are overpriced.
Big celebrity gets are cheating.
So are puppies.
Who cares? Not me.
It’s, like, whatever.
Your moment of zen
Sound on for a baby porcupine eating corn on the cob.
Fun fact: Baby porcupines are legit called “porcupettes.”
Also: This might have tipped my rooting interests to Cincinnati.
Also: Nomnomnomnom.
Your pal
We’re in this together, Not-Even-Also-Ran. You, me, and the thousands of creatives working for agencies that will never, ever, ever be approached with a Super Bowl spot — we’re in this together. And if things ever start looking rough, if the TV gets too much to bear, if the vodka starts running low, remember one thing:
The ads aren’t that great anyway. And it’s, like, whatever.