It’s funny consuming media these days. I know I’m not the only person who does it — watches a show or sees a commercial with four un-masked people meeting up at a crowded coffee shop and thinks “What are you doing?” (Thinks it, yells it at the TV, whatever.) But once you get over their sheer audacity, don’t you feel just a little bit jealous? Just a little. … Um, no, totally, me either.
The all-time leader in this, of course, is drug commercials. During better times, we laughed at those ads and called them cheesy (on account of they were cheesy), but now, six months into a pandemic, a garden party with burgers and croquet sounds kind of nice. No one is living a better life than a person who just popped an Allegra and is now frolicking in a field.
Here are some of the drug-induced best lives that sound pretty good right now. I can’t have what they have, and not just because I don’t have a prescription for Allegra. But a girl can dream, and right now, here are a few things I’m dreaming about.
Lunch with friends (Rexulti)
I’ll admit, I tend to be a homebody, but I never say no to a nice lunch with a few friends. A lovely restaurant with plenty of natural light and apparently jaw-dropping salads is a definite plus. Unfortunately, even the most charmingly lit of eateries poses a risk right now, so I’ll just have to sigh as I watch our friend here overcome her depression and really, really enjoy that salad.
What I’ll be risking: Luckily, I’m nor elderly or under 25, in which case… yeesh; otherwise, stiff muscles, or confusion, which may signal a life-threatening condition, or potentially permanent uncontrollable muscle movements; also, increased cholesterol, weight gain, high blood sugar, decreased white blood cells, compulsive behaviors, dizziness, seizures, and/or trouble swallowing
Sporting events (Symbicort)
Baseball is a good one — I’m close enough to see the Friday fireworks at Regions Field — but what I’m really going to miss this fall is college football. (Theoretically, assorted conferences are going to try to make it happen, but let’s be realistic here.) No Blazers, no Tide, no road trips up to Athens for a Georgia game — this is a dark time indeed. Except for this dude, whose COPD will not stop him from helping his kid catch a fly ball at a Sharks game.
What I’ll be risking: Increased risk of lung infections, osteoporosis, and some eye problems; unspecified complications if I have a heart condition or high blood pressure
Movie dates (Mucinex)
A light dinner followed by a Marvel movie on the big screen with those super-comfy reclining, heated theater seats was a tradition for The Boy and me during The Time Before. (The fact that our local movie theater also has a fully stocked bar with movie-themed drinks doesn’t hurt.) Alas, we’re not going to be doing that for a while — even the big comfy seats don’t provide six feet of elbow room — so I’ll just have to live vicariously through the couple here enjoying their movie night without the interruption of wet and/or dry coughs.
What I’ll be risking: The ad doesn’t say, so we’ll just have to assume I’m taking my life in my hands.
Amusement parks (Zyrtec)
I love an amusement park. The amount of time I’m willing to spend in line for a second go on a really good ride would be intolerable for a lot of people (which is why I always spring for the FastPass). Amusement parks, however, are completely out of the question at the moment, and screaming inside my heart doesn’t sound like a lot of fun, so I’ll stick with being jealous of Dad here having a great day of roller-coastering without having to worry about allergies.
What I’ll be risking: Another (OTC) drug ad that doesn’t list side effects. WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, ZYRTEC?
Horseback riding (Humira)
This isn’t an activity rendered verboten by the pandemic. I just haven’t been horseback riding in forever, and I used to love it, and I saw this ad and thought, “Man, I’d love to go horseback riding again.” Maybe I will. Maybe if I take Humira, I’ll get to do it, like this woman who can go riding without worrying about her rheumatoid arthritis.
What I’ll be risking: Lowered ability to fight infections; cancers, tuberculosis, lymphoma; blood, liver, and nervous system problems; serious allergic reactions; and/or new or worsening heart failure
Someday…
There will come a day (I’m pretty sure) when non-Zoom brunch will once again be a thing, with or without Rexulti. Until that day… I mean, kind of screw you, drug companies. Let’s see an ad with a dude walking his dog and sneezing into his face covering (which, you have to admit, is a pretty good incentive to ask your doctor about Allegra), and then I’ll believe you aren’t doing this stuff intentionally.
Oh, and everyone else: Wear a mask, maintain six feet, wash your hands, and stay home when possible. It saves lives, and also, your girl here wants to do karaoke again, and she doesn’t want to have to pop an Enbrel to do it.