There’s a phrase you might hear from time to time in my house, essentially at random:
My Yaris gets awesome gas mileage, but it’s not getting us to the North Pole.
And we’ll say that at random because apparently that’s something the writers of Smallville circa 2007 believe anyone would actually ever say, and it’s hilarious.
Of course, when it comes to product placement, what people would actually ever say has to take a back seat to what’s closest to a thing a person might say that still fulfills the obligation of the product placement contract. And the answer is usually “essentially not at all close.” Which is why egregious product placement is one of my favorite genres of bad advertising, and why so many options are available that Part 1 of this post is dedicated to only the ones for cars.
In no particular order:
Chloe’s Yaris that won’t make it to the North Pole (Smallville)
Of course I have to kick things off with the founder of the feast, the offense that inspired this whole post. In Seasons 6 and 7 of the WB’s Smallville, Chloe acquires a Toyota Yaris that makes frequent appearances, always referred to as “my Yaris.” And while the constant references to “my Yaris” are a hoot, the real prize has to go to her oh-so-natural warning that, awesome gas mileage notwithstanding, her Yaris isn’t going to get them north of the Arctic Circle.
Big winner: Look, Clark, my Yaris gets awesome mileage, but I seriously doubt it will get us all the way to the North Pole.
John’s Tundra that can carry a ton of building materials (The Rookie)
Maybe Toyota learned its lesson about awkward dialogue, because when they placed their Tundra on ABC’s The Rookie in 2020, they decided to just include a whole-ass commercial instead. We get to watch rookie John Nolan load building supplies into his truck amid gratuitous beauty shots from all angles of a flawless, glossy black pickup, and if you were wondering if the Tundra has a Tow Haul button? Wonder no more.
Big winner:
Jess’s platforms that are difficult to wear around a Fusion (New Girl)
If you want to talk in-episode commercial, though, the “hold my beer” of the genre is the 2012 episode of Fox’s New Girl that was literally a 90-second commercial for the Ford Fusion with Jess stumbling around the car endearingly in platform heels. That is literally it. (And that is the only thing that could knock, “Excuse me, we’re in a Ford Fusion, the best car ever made?” “It gets double the gas mileage…” out of the top spot.)
Big winner: The all-new Fusion has been totally redesigned inside and out. All new styling [etc., etc., etc.]
Brennan’s Prius that has intelligent parking assist (Bones)
If it seems like I keep going back to the Toyota well, it’s because the brand has never met a show it didn’t want to shoehorn its product into. Starting circa 2009, Toyota set its sights on Fox’s Bones, chucking a Matrix at Angela and a Prius at titular character Temperance Brennan. In one Season 6 episode, Brennan takes a few minutes out of a murder investigation to show off her Prius’s self-parking capabilities. Does the car solve murders? Ha ha, Booth, you old joker. (Points for a valiant attempt to stick the landing, at least.)
Big winner:
Sweets: Whoa! Ghost driver!
Booth: How’d you do that?
Brennan: It’s called “intelligent parking assist.” The car guides itself into the parking spot.
Sweets: Wow! Look at that, huh?
Booth: Does it solve murders?
Brennan: Of course not.
Booth: Good. I like my job.
Jesse’s Genesis that’s great for getaways (Burn Notice)
In 2010, Hyundai took over Season 4 of USA’s Burn Notice, to super-duper-normal-sounding effect. It’s hard to pick a best-worst line, particularly when IRA alum Fiona Glenanne is quipping that “Mario Andretti never had a car like [her Hyundai Genesis Coupe].” (Technically true, I guess.) But where does that rank next to burned spy Michael Westen’s spontaneous monologue about what makes the Genesis a good getaway car?
Big winner: Making a getaway is often more about precise handling than raw horsepower, so in a hostage situation, rear-wheel drive is a nice advantage. That said, it doesn’t hurt to have more than 300 horsepower at your fingertips.
Berrigan’s Ford that has traffic assist (White Collar)
This entry is kind of a bummer because I can’t remember the exact circumstances or dialogue or anything, to the point that I shouldn’t even bother mentioning it but I have to. Because amid the show’s extensive Season 2 product placement, the kind where characters get into a Ford and are suddenly, like, “Oh, I remember I have to make a phone call, it’s a good thing this Ford has hands-free Bluetooth calling standard on every model,” is a car chase scene with Diana Berrigan and Neal Caffrey and she makes an explicit point of enabling traffic assist, because if you’re going to be screeching perilously through traffic at least you’ll get a beep-beep-beep when you start to wander out of your lane. The fact that I can’t find video, or even a transcript, of this scene will haunt me for as much as a day and a half.
Big winner: Sadly, I got nothin’.
Olivia’s Leaf that has plenty of range (and Bluetooth) (Fringe)
Nissan became a big fan of Fox’s Fringe in 2012. The Titan made a cameo in one episode, and in another, Agent Olivia Dunham for some reason took a break from her usual government-agent-y black SUV to drive a silver Nissan Leaf and, while she’s at it, check the range and answer a hands-free call. With plenty of onscreen time to admire the touchscreen with all the charging locations and the handy buttons for making Bluetooth calls.
Big winner:
Peter: We’re still about 40 miles out.
Olivia: We’ve still got plenty of range.
Hiro’s Nissan Versa that’s a Nissan Versa (Heroes)
Olivia’s Leaf is hardly Nissan’s first product placement outing, though. In 2007, the company took NBC’s Heroes by storm. Season 2 will always stand out for me for their launch of their then-new crossover Rogue, and how ecstatic indestructible cheerleader Claire gets when her dad buys her one. (Notable quotable: “The Rogue!”) But if we’re going for egregious, we have to go with Hiro just standing at a car rental counter saying, “Nissan Versa!” over and over again. (“That’s a popular choice,” the clerk tells him.)
Big winner: Nissan Versa! Nissan Versa! […] Nissan Versa!
You think that’s bad?
These are just the tip of the product-placement iceberg. You want to stare pointedly at cell phones while characters make calls, or see a whole suite of electronic devices scattered casually across a tabletop? You want people trying to make “Bing” happen? You want lots and lots of delicious sandwiches? As always, count on me to have your back.
Check back next week for even more egregious product placements, of the non-automotive kind, including an encore appearance by our friend Chloe. And drop your favorite gratuitous product shots and tortured dialogue in comments. If we’re going to suffer advertising sloppily inserted into our entertainment, at least we can suffer together.