So, yeah, I was up literally all night with two sick dogs (they’re fine now, I am not) and I’m not going to say I’m pooped (har), but I’m completely fried, and I might even resent y’all a little for my compulsion to post here anyway — I’ll unpack that once my brain is fully back online. Anyway, here are five Ads I Wish I’d Made, presented without any commentary or whatever because… something.
I don’t even know.
Chevrolet, “We Even Made the Mirrors Bigger”
The ad: Chevrolet print ad, “We even made the mirrors roomier” (Honorable mention: “We put the spare where the sun don’t shine”)
Because: I like it.
We even made the mirrors roomier.
Reflect on this: The all-new Blazer is roomier and more comfortable than ever. There’s ample leg room and lots more shoulder and elbow room. We even made the rear cargo area big enough to literally fit a washing machine. All without making the new Blazer as big as an 18-wheeler. How? With mirrors, of course. Visit your Chevy dealer and see for yourself. For a free brochure or video call 1-800-950-0540.
Land Rover, “Spot the Range Rover”
The ad: Land Rover print ad, “Can you spot the Range Rover in this picture?”
Because: I like it.
Can you spot the Range Rover in this picture?
Goodbye road. Goodbye traffic. Goodbye 5 m.p.h.
A Range Rover does something far more impressive than get you through a traffic jam in air-conditioned, arm-chaired, stereo-surrounded comfort.
A Range Rover takes you where there are no jams. Because there is no traffic.
Through the woods. Along the beach. Across the desert. Range Rovers, after all, are so extraordinary, they drive for years in places ordinary cars couldn’t drive a quarter of a mile.
So it’s not surprising that to many a Range Rover’s most luxurious feature isn’t its elegant interior, optional sunroof, or the security of 24 hour roadside assistance.
Its most luxurious feature is its ability to provide an experience a bit more exhilarating than a highway to the suburbs at six p.m.
Why not call 1-800-FINE 4WD for the Range Rover dealer nearest you?
We won’t deny that at somewhat above $34,000 a Range Rover is hardly inexpensive.
But after all the time you’ve spent in trafficlikethis, what could be nicer than going off on your own?
Devil Wears Prada, The Musical, “Mind the Diors”
The ad: Subway (“Tube,” whatever) poster, “Mind the Diors – The Devil Wears Prada, a New Musical”
Because: I like it.
Heathrow, “Heathrow Bears”
The ad: Heathrow Christmas Bears ad from, like, 2017 or something that I already called out for a Weepy Honorable Mention
Because: Obviously I like it.
?, “Lorem Ipsum”
The ad: … Lorem Ipsum?
Because: Tee hee.
[FINAL SUBHED]
So, yeah, all that.