Last week, we introduced you to bad product placement — like, egregiously bad product placement, like “pass me those delicious Pizzeria Pretzel Combos so I can cheese my hunger away” bad — in automotive form. And I promised (threatened?) more to come.
You were warned, is my point.
Now, why did I bundle all the cars into Part 1? One reason is there were enough of them to warrant their very own post. They even sorted themselves into categories a little (over-indulgent product shots, tedious demo shots, wooden dialogue), although the horribleness of the scripting and performance did vary. But a third reason? A third reason is that Acuvue was standing in the wings, telling the Prius’s Intelligent Parking Assist to hold its beer.
So here’s Part 2 of the Most Egregious Product Placements Ever, brought to you in large part by Smallville.
Chloe’s Acuvue contacts that are to the rescue (Smallville)
I’m willing to argue that the WB’s Smallville is the world’s all-time worst offender for egregious product placement. Season 5 includes a character who, when pretending to be mild-mannered, disguises their superherodom with glasses. (No, not that one.) When Chloe (whose Yaris won’t make it to the North Pole) realizes the Angel of Vengeance wears contact on the job, she says a totally normal thing that a normal person might say.
Big winner: Acuvue to the rescue.
Product Placement Pete’s Stride gum that grants superpowers (Smallville)
Because a single product placement is for bustas, Smallville went hard in Season 7 with an entire gee dee episode centered around Stride gum. Our characters are attending a One Direction concert in a Stride gum factory, because apparently that’s a thing, and Pete Ross (known to many fans as “Product Placement Pete” for being the product placement mule in earlier seasons of the show, a job obviously taken over by Chloe in later seasons) is seen chewing glowing green gum, because apparently that’s a thing, that gives him superpowers because it’s laced with kryptonite and I work really hard at my job. I do. I went to college for it and everything. I’m, like, you need to do good advertising, right, and so I work hard to do that.
Big winner: The entire episode
Kamekona’s Subway sandwiches that are culinary fusion (Hawaii Five-0)
USA has always been another hotbed of clunky product placement monologues, and Hawaii Five-0 was always a sure bet for bad writing. For instance, taking a moment out of a criminal investigation to discuss the merits of a Subway Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sub plus a turkey BLT for serious culinary fusion. (Also catch the nod to Jared Fogle that aged like milk.)
Big winner:
Steve: You own a shrimp truck, but you’re bringing lunch to work.
Kamekona: Trying to eat smarter, brother.
Kono: Shrimp… perfectly healthy.
Kamekona: Not the way I make ‘em. But this Subway sandwich? So ono.
Steve: Okay, so you’re eating these to lose weight, is that right?
Kamekona: It worked for Jared, and that boy was large. But the best thing about it? They make it any way you want it. Take this one. The Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki with jalapeño and banana peppers. Now, you put that with this, turkey BLT? Bam. It’s some serious culinary fusion.
Steve: So, how many of these did you order?
Kamekona: Five.
Kono: Five footlongs?
Kamekona: It was a good deal. And I got breakfast for tomorrow.
Chin Ho’s Bing-ing that’s definitely a verb (Hawaii Five-0)
Of course, you know a show willing to script, record, edit, and air that masterpiece of dialogue isn’t going to turn down more product placement money if it’s waved in their face. It was 2010, and Windows had some stuff to sell. You’d think a video call between Kono Kalakaua and Chin Ho Kelly via slow, meticulous, close-up use of MSN Messenger on a Microsoft Surface Pro would be the worst, and it would be, if Chin Ho didn’t tell Kono to “Bing it.” Which she proceeded to do, via slow, meticulous close-up, on her Windows 7 phone.
Big winner: This is a Clifton Bowles original. … What, you don’t believe me? Bing it.
An entire ZIP code’s Microsoft Surface tablet that does so much (90210)
Moving on from Hawaii to Beverly Hills: One Season 5 episode of the CW’s 90210 was absolutely awash with the swiping, tapping, scrolling, kickstanding, video-watching, converting, pinching, zooming joys of the Microsoft Surface tablet.
Big winner:
Annie: Okay, it took me a while to find the exact perfect gift, but I think I finally did it. Merry Christmas!
Riley: You got me a Surface?
Annie: Yeah! And it does so much. That’s the email app right there, and when why Skype, you can stand it up with the kickstand like that. See? It’ll be like we’re in the same room.
Riley: Yeah.
Annie: Why are you being so mean?
Riley: Because Annie, you and this — this gift. Of Skype?
(Riley is all of us.)
Some dead guy’s Sprint phone that’s just how people pay for things now (Fringe)
Fox’s Fringe made an appearance in last week’s post thanks to Olivia’s one-episode love of her Nissan Leaf, but that’s hardly the show’s only cash grab. In one Season 2 episode, we get to watch a man order his coffee, pull out his Sprint Samsung phone, open the Google wallet, and give us a good long moment to stare at it while the transaction is completed. And then, mere minutes later, he falls down and dies and I don’t care what Astrid says, I don’t think we can discount the possibility that his Google Wallet caused him to asphyxiate.
Big winner:
Walter: Maybe the deaths are associated with this mobile transaction.
Astrid: No, Walter, this is just how people pay for things now.
Walter: Hmm?
Astrid: He probably just bought that coffee.
Walter: Hmm. What will they think of next?
What indeed, Walter.
Frank’s “Monument Valley” game that anyone would want to play (House of Cards)
Just because House of Cards had a cushy home on Netflix, don’t think the producers didn’t want some sweet, sweet sponsor dollars. That’s how we got a 30-second scene that was nothing but Frank Underwood lying down on his tum-tum to play the game “Monument Valley” on his tablet. And then promoting it to colleagues.(This episode also, just for funsies, features a foreign affairs consultant who can’t point to the Jordan Valley on a map without mirroring it from his Samsung tablet to his Samsung TV.)
Big winner:
Frank: Either of you play “Monument Valley”?
Remy: What’s that?
Frank: It’s a video game.
Remy: I don’t play them, sir.
Seth: I sold my Xbox on eBay. It was too addictive.
Frank: It’s not a console game. You both read this and then tell me that you wouldn’t want to play this..
Our Big Winners: The Lampshades
If you’re going to do product placement bad, do it real bad. Give the showrunners a few product samples and a big canvas bag with dollar signs on the side and let the show decide what to do with it.
Community. In Community’s “Digital Exploration of Interior Design,” Subway takes over a spot in the college’s cafeteria by enrolling a corpo-humanoid, also (of course) named Subway, as a student.
Arrested Development. In a scene set in a Burger King, Carl Weathers meets with Tobias at Burger King and talks about a show that will be sponsored by Burger King if they set a scene in a Burger King. It’s a wonderful restaurant.
30 Rock. Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy wax enthusiastic about Verizon’s popular phones and unbeatable service and where is my nearest retailer so I can get one and can we have our money now? (The show would actually never sacrifice their integrity for product placement — they discussed it over delicious Snapple.)
Y’all, I…
Y’all, I just…
Like, I take my job seriously. Like, I want to have fun with it, and the fun of it is one of the big reasons I got into advertising in the first place, but I take it seriously, and I try so hard to make it good. I work so hard, y’all. Like, quality and stuff. Doing a good job.
Y’all, I work so hard.