(“Retirement,” “indefinite pause,” whatever.)
Changing up mascots is just something brands do from time to time, for a wide variety of valid reasons — it’s become more outdated than it is classic, people don’t really relate to it like they used to, it’s racist. But “we’re shelving our mascots because of public reaction to an ANTHROPOMORPHIC CANDY’S NEW SHOES” brings with it a cavalcade of WHAT EVEN.
And I’m not saying Mars is necessarily in the wrong for making a move here — they gotta do what they gotta do in response to the market. It’s the fact that people have been and remain so exercised about quote-unquote “woke candy” that they’ve taken up their pitchforks to CHASE SOME CANDIES OFF THE INTERNET.
What, if I may ask, even
Back when I first addressed this subject, the conclusion I came to was… sure, why not. It’s kind of odd that Orange finally tying his shoes is somehow supposed to be an essential step toward a more progressive world, but no one’s being harmed by it. Nobody’s being harmed by Green switching from go-go boots to sneakers except for no, God help us, her Stan Smiths are actually a THREAT TO HUMANITY, they make an ANTHROPOMORPHIC CANDY NO LONGER SEXUALLY APPEALING, and that is a CANCELLATION-LEVEL OFFENSE.
At the root of it all, of course, is Mars’s initial decision to keep up with a “more dynamic, progressive world” ‘round about a year ago*. The greatest part of the change actually appeared essentially in the background — the M&Ms website had cute little profiles, and their initial rollout highlighted changes like Green’s and Brown’s more supportive friendship, and Red becoming less abrasive, and Orange’s shoe-tying reflecting his relatable anxiety, and if you’re digging for a “woke agenda” to bunch your panties, I suppose that would do it.
From a visual perspective, though? If Mars hadn’t orchestrated such an attention-grabbing rollout*, Orange’s tied shoes and Green’s laid-back sneaks that just don’t get you goin’ would almost certainly escape notice. And anyone who picked up a bag of holiday-edition mint M&Ms and noticed those unsexy shoes and raised a fuss about it would be dismissed as a weirdo who was paying way too much attention to an anthropomorphic candy’s shoes, and seriously, it’s not that I’m emotionally invested in those wokeified candies but that things that are DEEPLY STUPID like INTERNET-BREAKING CANDY SEXINESS get me A LITTLE BIT HET UP, COME ON.
Phew.
Okay.
On Maya Rudolph
When it comes to the impending replacement mascot… I’ll take it. If they’re gonna bother going to the effort of the mascot-shelving-and-introducing process, Maya Rudolph is the perfect place to land. She was brilliant on SNL. Her Kamala Harris impression is flawless. Her turn as the Judge on “The Good Place” was epic — perfect, stunning, no notes. I have no idea what she’ll be doing as the new M&Ms spokesperson, but I’ll go ahead and say no complaints here — we’re good.
*Now, of course, we can’t not mention that a cynical person might see this whole hue and cry as a manufactured ploy to draw attention to the brand in anticipation of the Super Bowl debut of said sparkling new mascot. However, no one would ever accuse me of cynicism, so I can only continue to rail against the anti-wokeism that has driven a team of perfectly good mascots to the back of the pantry. Shame on you, M&M alarmists. Shame. On. You.