Pardon my whining, but this is my blog, after all, and: Some ads make my life harder.
Am I speaking professionally? Personally? Emotionally? Logistically? Is the ad industry getting me down? Am I tired of comparing myself to a size-4 model with perfect skin being praised for “body diversity” ‘cause she’s got a butt on her? I’m pretty good at the moment, actually. No, what’s happening is I just got a Great Dane puppy, and getting him all quiet and peaceful is a job of work, and your ad where someone knocks on the door just turned him into a puppy tornado.
And I know I’m not the only person with a trigger-happy dog, or a trigger-happy smart speaker, or a moderate level of situational awareness when I drive. Yet advertisers persist in throwing little details into their ads that make me almost wish I didn’t have any of those things. I can’t imagine you haven’t heard all this before, Advertisers Who Do That Kind of Stuff, but just in case: Hold onto your butts.
As for my reader(s), I’ll warn you now: If you want to watch these ads, you’ll want to wear headphones. (Particularly if you have dogs, or an Amazon Echo.) And not because they’re NSFW or anything. You’ll see why.
Door bells and door knocks
As someone who has not one but four dogs at home (yeah. The new puppy was an accident. #fosterfail), I am extremely familiar with the sound of dogs barking at the door. Our husky, in fact, has different barks for different delivery people, so we know if we’re getting a package via UPS or FedEx, or if we have pizza coming our way. The other three have a more general “Hey, there’s someone at the door” bark.
That’s the bark we hear when a commercial includes a doorbell or a door knock. We assure the dogs that it’s just on TV, and there’s no one at our door, but that does nothing to keep them from going bonkers, because they’re dogs and don’t understand English. So we mute the TV, just in case, until the dogs are confident they’ve warded off whatever evil threat was standing on the business end of our doorbell. And then we go back to our show. But that barking is not fun.
“Alexa”
I don’t know how many people have Alexa/Echo/Amazon Whatever devices in their home. I don’t know how many use “Alexa” as their wake word. I can only imagine it’s, like, me and four other houses, because if it were widespread, you’d think Amazon would stop using the word in their ads.
Yes, I realize that when you’re trying to show off the features of your voice assistant, you want — even need — to show it in action. But my Alexa, the one(s) at my house, doesn’t know how to “set the mood,” and will tell me so when your ad asks it to do that. Ditto “lock the front door” or “turn on the sprinklers.” What does my Alexa know how to do? Dial my mother-in-law. Who has gotten more than one random-ass phone call after a commercial instructs Alexa to “call Mom.” Alexa-TV-ad dialing is the new butt dialing.
Car horns and sirens
This one is for radio ads and podcasts and such, since if you’re watching TV ads whilst driving, you’re already in trouble. But when you’re driving along and suddenly hear a blaring horn, or a police siren, or an actual vehicle crash, the tendency is to not quite poop your pants. (That’s universal, right? Everyone does that?) You don’t have to do that, advertisers.
(I do have one theory, though, and it’s about personal injury attorneys who do car accidents: Their goal is to actually freak you out into having an accident, to generate new clients. It’s pretty brilliant, in a devious kind of way. But I’m still not into it.)
(Freak you out into having a car accident. Not the other kind of accident. We’ve already discussed the other kind of accident.)
A free ad concept, courtesy of Caperton Gillett Creative
Some of these things are easy to get around. Don’t include knocks or doorbells. If the kids all turn their heads at the same time, smiling, and then rush to the front door, and look! Uncle Steve is here for Thanksgiving! no one’s going to be sitting on their couch all, BUT I DIDN’T HEAR A DOORBELL. THIS AD IS BULLSHIT. And if no radio ad ever again includes a siren, a blaring horn, or screeching tires and a crash, the advertising industry will have lost absolutely nothing.
I’m going to give it to Amazon, though, that they’re in a pickle, because they do have a product to demonstrate. Now, the simplest way out of said pickle would be to just start throwing in some of the lesser-used wake words, like “Echo” or (and I just learned this was a thing) “Ziggy.” But you want to do something attention-grabbing, Amazon. I know you do. So here it is: Melissa.
“Melissa, dim the living room lights.” “Alicia, how many tablespoons are in a cup?” “Elena, add castor beans and oleander to my shopping list.” How do you tell your audience you’re sorry for accidentally dialing their mother-in-law without saying you’re sorry for accidentally dialing their mother-in-law? “Eliza, turn on the hot tub.” It’ll be fun. People will get a kick out of it. You’re welcome.
One final note: The inclusion of “Ziggy” and “Computer” as wake words makes it clear that Amazon is aware of the public’s desire to relive beloved pop culture moments via their voice assistant. Which makes it all the more tragic that “Jarvis,” ideally accompanied by Paul Bettany’s voice, still isn’t an option. And I know I’m not the only person noticing that oversight.
I’ve given you a gift here, Amazon. You know what gift you can give me in return.