{"id":501,"date":"2020-03-09T10:06:33","date_gmt":"2020-03-09T16:06:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/capertongillett.com\/blog\/?p=501"},"modified":"2020-03-09T10:06:33","modified_gmt":"2020-03-09T16:06:33","slug":"maybe-all-corporate-speak-isnt-bad","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/capertongillett.com\/blog\/maybe-all-corporate-speak-isnt-bad\/","title":{"rendered":"Stay with me here: Maybe all corporate-speak isn\u2019t bad"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"Man
\u201cHey, babe, let\u2019s circle back and blue sky some change agents to disrupt dat ass.\u201d (Credit Andrea Piacquadio\/Pexels)<\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Corporate jargon is derided universally, with the possible exception of people who insist on using it. (And for all we know, those people die inside a little more every time they say use sync<\/em> as a noun. As well they should.) And the derision is well earned. Words have meaning. And while I admit that, as a copywriter, I sometimes end up manipulating those meanings for my own dark, commercialized purposes, the reason that manipulation is effective is that the words mean something in the first place. Corporate jargon is used to sidestep that meaning entirely for one\u2019s own dark purposes, and that is objectively not okay<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Over at Vulture, Molly Young takes a well-deserved swing at the growing preponderance of businessspeak in the brilliantly titled article, \u201cGarbage Language: Why do corporations speak the way they do?<\/a>\u201d Because really, why? Why replace meaningful words with meaningless ones? What is a company trying to accomplish by \u201coperationalizing\u201d instead of just\u2026 whatever \u201coperationalizing\u201d means.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

First off: No, yeah, totally. I\u2019m there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That said: Maybe not entirely?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

First off<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The use of annoying corporate jargon is largely about fitting in, and about distinguishing oneself as someone who fits in. It\u2019s a shibboleth of sorts \u2014 if you don\u2019t know (or at least pretend to know) what it means to boil the ocean<\/em>, you\u2019re an outsider. But if you run things up the flagpole<\/em> instead of just seeing what people think<\/em>, that means you\u2019re cool. Or take something offline<\/em> instead of just have this discussion later<\/em> or not sidetrack the meeting<\/em>. (Note: I will give you a pass if you\u2019re on Slack at the time and will be literally taking the discussion offline.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or, as Young notes with such rightful disgust in her article, parallel<\/em>-freaking-pathing<\/em>. In what dystopian parallel universe is that an understandable alternative to just \u201cmake two versions\u201d? As she says, <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I thought there was something gorgeously and inadvertently candid about the phrase\u2019s assumption that a person would ever not be doing more than one thing at a time in an office \u2014 its denial that the whole point of having an office job is to multitask ineffectively instead of single-tasking effectively. Why invent a term for what people were already forced to do? It was, in its fakery and puffery and lack of a reason to exist, the perfect corporate neologism.<\/p>Molly Young, \u201cGarbage Language: Why do corporations speak the way they do?<\/a>\u201d<\/em><\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s kind of like when you started smoking in high school: You did it because you thought it made you look cool, even though in reality, it was gross. And hopefully, you eventually realized that and quit doing it. Parallel-pathing<\/em> is an unintelligible expression that makes things less understandable rather than more so. (And I\u2019ve certainly never heard of it, and if I\u2019ve never heard of something, that automatically makes it invalid, because I\u2019m the arbiter of such things.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One of my favorite jokes with my old creative partner is that if you get caught not paying attention during a meeting, all you have to do is look thoughtful and say, \u201cBut does it scale?\u201d (1. I don\u2019t know the actual origin of this fun little gag, or I would give credit, and 2. Jenny, I\u2019m sorry if I\u2019m spilling secretive secrets here.) Because while the concept of scaling is legitimate, the purpose of that phrase, mindfully uttered, is nothing but bullshit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Young says the expected response to a request to parallel-path<\/em> something is to nod and assent. But, as someone who has a psychologically unhealthy need to know exactly what\u2019s expected of me, I can see myself saying, \u201cWhat the [hopefully something work-appropriate here] is parallel-path<\/em>ing?\u201d Because if you use indecipherable jargon simply for the purpose of sounding cool, all you\u2019re doing is keeping things from actually getting accomplished.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That said<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

As annoying as jargon expressions can be, you have to admit that some of them do have meaning. They have definitions. We might hate to hear \u201cthink outside the box,\u201d but we know what the douchebag who said it meant when he told us to think outside the box. It\u2019s eye-rolling, to be sure, but it\u2019s also undeniably effective.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At Inc., Suzanne Lucas defends corporate jargon<\/a> \u2014 to an extent \u2014 by pointing out that there are jargony expressions that people do like and respond to. She highlights a survey by Verizon that solicited people\u2019s most and least favorite expressions. Big picture<\/em>, for instance, and all hands on deck<\/em> made the nice list, in large part, she says, because they reference positive things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

These phrases focus on teamwork and positive plans. Getting the big picture says “I’m not just going to focus on my small area, but I want to understand how we work together as a team.” Understanding what others do and how everything fits together makes a team function better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And big picture<\/em> certainly is an easier alternative to focus not on one small area but on the greater environment in which we\u2019re working<\/em>. Analysis paralysis<\/em> and I\u2019ll ping you<\/em> made the naughty list because, Lucas speculates, they have a more negative or less team-centric connotation. I can\u2019t speak to that, but I can say that anyone who wants to ping me<\/em> can just as well email me<\/em> instead, because if they call me or stop by my office without warning, I might well be moderately pissed off<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For a long time, I\u2019ve cringed every time I\u2019ve found myself using the phrase \u201creaching out.\u201d But no matter how much I\u2019ve cringed, I\u2019ve also gone ahead and used it, because it\u2019s convenient. \u201cThanks for contacting me\u201d sounds stiff, \u201cthanks for emailing\u201d sounds awkward, as does \u201cthanks for messaging me\u201d when, for instance, a person has\u2026 ugh, reached out<\/em> on LinkedIn or similar. \u201cI\u2019ll call, email, message, or stop by in an attempt to make contact\u201d is just a mess. Reaching out<\/em> is a cliche, but it\u2019s a cliche that people understand. So I\u2019ve stopped cringing, because what\u2019s the point? Especially when I\u2019m probably going to just keep on using it anyway.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ditto bandwidth<\/em>. Bandwidth<\/em> has a real-world definition: the amount of data that can be transmitted over a network connection at once \u2014 in essence, whether the connection is too busy with the data it has to handle any more. \u201cDo you have the bandwidth for this?\u201d expands sensibly as a euphemism for, \u201cAre you too busy and\/or stressed and\/or overloaded to take on this task?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In my industry, we talk about concepting<\/em>. \u201cConcept\u201d is not a verb. When I try to write it, \u201cconcepting\u201d gets autocorrected every single time, because concepting<\/em> is not a real word and I\u2019m too lazy to add it to my autocorrect dictionary. Pretty much no one outside of said industry would know what the hell we were talking about if we said we were concepting<\/em>, but we all accept that a concepting session<\/em> is kind of like brainstorming but it also involves coalescing the resulting mini-ideas into a coherent Big Idea on which to build a larger campaign, except saying that would take forever and<\/em> involve further defining Big Idea<\/em>, and no one has time for that, because the deadline is yesterday and we have been allotted approximately ten minutes for concepting. And we all get it. No matter who else in the world don\u2019t get it, we do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Note: I don\u2019t care how attached you are to \u201cimpact\u201d as a verb, and I don\u2019t care what Merriam-Webster says \u2014 \u201cimpact\u201d is not a verb.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The big picture<\/em><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

When corporate-y euphemisms, in or out of the business sphere, interfere with communication \u2014 as so frequently they do \u2014 they\u2019re bad. Or, as Young writes,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Wiener writes especially well \u2014 with both fluency and astonishment \u2014 about the verbal habits of her peers: \u201cPeople used a sort of nonlanguage, which was neither beautiful nor especially efficient: a mash-up of business-speak with athletic and wartime metaphors, inflated with self-importance. Calls to action; front lines and trenches; blitzscaling. Companies didn\u2019t fail, they died.\u201d She describes a man who wheels around her office on a scooter barking into a wireless headset about growth hacking, proactive technology, parallelization, and the first-mover advantage. \u201cIt was garbage language,\u201d Wiener writes, \u201cbut customers loved him.\u201d<\/p>Molly Young, \u201cGarbage Language: Why do corporations speak the way they do?<\/a>\u201d<\/em><\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Just reading that makes me vicariously annoyed. The world is a worse place for that stuff existing. But when buzzwords actually make communication easier, are they that bad? When they\u2019re somewhat annoying but still comprehensible and arguably more efficient, might it be time to just take a deep breath and accept our fate?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Language evolves. Sometimes, it evolves all stupid-like, and I will never accept the AP Stylebook\u2019s ruling on literally<\/em><\/a>. But just as we no longer use \u201cawful\u201d to describe something stunning and mind-boggling, we might be better off not wasting our energy on fighting go all in<\/em> as an alternative to commit all our energy and resources to accomplishing this task<\/em>. \u201cIdeate?\u201d Screw you. \u201cCircle back?\u201d I mean, no, but also maybe?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a big question \u2014 certainly bigger than me alone. And maybe I\u2019m just five-starring Granny\u2019s meatloaf here. What\u2019s your pontifexion?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Corporate jargon is derided universally, with the possible exception of people who insist on using it. 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